Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Perpekto


I’ve spent the last 2 weeks contemplating on a lot of things. It was a proper time to assess myself from a standpoint where everything is not on my plane and most of the factors affecting my life were meticulously scrutinized. On the plus side it is easier for me now to adjudicate and evaluate myself but on the negate side I never imagined that going back to a point of my past was this hard and unsettling. I have learned to become more “mature” and adult-like, something everyone expects from an individual in this stage of my life, yet the past haunts me…ive lost the touch to be more carefree and less responsible - things ive done in the past and still do occasionally. The awakening I had the year before sparked this new concept in life of mine but still I yearn for things that I had before. Kahit pala sobrang pag isipan mo nang mabuti yung mga bagay bagay na alam mong makaka apekto sa desisyon mo, mayroon pa ring mga “factors” na kahit kailan ay hindi mo aakalaing dadating at mas malaki pa ang magiging parte sa mga magiging desisyon mo. I have tried to anticipate every possible imaginable and unimaginable scenarios that would come up and considered all the consequences and risks of my CHOICE. Ika nga ng values ed prof ko ngayon, “ the nature of rationalization is the most essential part in building a value et al character, the choices an individual makes are strewn from his ability to make a sound choice, considering its other alternatives and determining the consequences of these choices.” Oo nga naman, ano pa silbi ng freewill ko kung hindi ko ito gagamitin ng mabuti at wasto.
Right now I’m in a stage where I can see clearly everything in the shortest time possible, di na gaya ng dati kung saan eh sobrang AANGATS-ANGATS talaga ako at mabagal. It pays dearly to be painfully slow and pathetic, to think too much and not do a damn thing about something. Kumbaga eh nag utak MASCI ako ulit, doing things in a blistering phase, with the confidence of promptness and without the fear of failure - basically just DOING IT (salamat pala kay prof bikoy sa allegory na to - it really is true about how us MASCIANS treat all things in our lives now). The sad thing about this is that people seem to misinterpret you a lot, to judge you more on your actions rather than your character (this is the truest essence of MALING AKALA). And the saddest part of knowing yourself is that you can never ask the people around you to be just cool and relax. That you are never too much critical and never commandeering, a little bossy yes but still you have to do the things you hate just to make yourself a little more serious. Ang hirap talaga mag TANGA TANGAHAN at kunwaring walang pakialam, because the stigma sticks with you if youre not careful with whom you show these traits of yours. Di nila alam na nakamasid lang ako at nakikiramdam, na mahirap maging WALANG PAKIALAM kunwari para lang hindi makasakit at hindi lumabas na makulit - ang problema nga lang mas naiisip pa ng tao na makulit ka talaga pag ganito ginawa mo. Siguro nga isa akong klase ng tao na madaldal at walang preno ang bibig sa lahat ng bagay pero sa puntong kelangan kong wag muna magsalita at maging sensitibo ng konti, ginagawa ko kahit pa pag isipan na ako ng kung ano ano ng mga taong nasa paligid ko.
Putang ina ang hirap talaga maging DO-ER. You appear most of the time to be either predisposed or dysfunctional, for the reasons that you appear to be not using your head first when in fact you have premeditated all things possible. People tend to see you as IMPOSING and over-assertive, never the “big brother” you try to be, well, I try to project. I have never tried to be naturally patronizing of people, to say to them what they want to hear and make them feel what they want to feel. It was a big contradiction to my principle to take up MARKETING as my base career pero who more can know about these things than a person who sees both sides of the strata.

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